MAR 27, 24 .. RESENTMENT.. ANGER.. FORGIVENESS.. AMENDS..

Yes! You betcha! I full well know and realize that it is not August (month 8), September (month 9) nor is it October (month 10), the three months we usually think of when the topic is amends.  

When I received the below thought in a recent text message from a friend in the program, I absolutely had to post it here.

Whew huh?

It took my breath away!

In my opinion, here is the "Bottom Line".

We do not make amends for the other person. We make amends for ourselves. We clean our side of the street with an amend.

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I can't tell you how many times the above words have been true for me. I could write a short book about the times I made an amend to someone I did nothing to nor harmed in any way BUT I did upset and disturb them without having any idea whatsoever that I did when "they unloaded" on me.

How about some "details".

Back in (this is a "SWAG" * as to the year) March of 2000, the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race was underway in Alaska.

*SWAG - Some Wild Ass Guess.

A friend from the State of Georgia and his wife had come up to Fairbanks and was driving out (it is a 160 mile drive) to Manley Hot Springs to see the race. It is very rare that the Iditarod passes through Manley Hot Springs.

En route out from Fairbanks, he and his wife encountered some problems with their automobile. Someone from Manley passed them and stopped to assist them. Unable to do so, they continued out to Manley, found me and told me of the situation and exactly where they were located on the road.

I immediately contacted Ernie, who long ago passed away, a close neighbor in Manley and also a "best friend" and told him of the situation. He prepared to go out and find them and, if necessary, tow them into Manley.

The stage is set.

Absolutely, totally, 100% unknown to me, my friends from Georgia were able to get to Manley. They did not let me know. They did not check in with me. 

I had absolutely no knowledge they had gotten to Manley!!

Then Ernie (to this day I don't know how he found out) came to my cabin "in a rage" and I mean "in a rage" he "tore into me".

I was "dumbfounded" because I had no idea my friends had gotten to Manley.

Did I owe Ernie an amend?

What exactly did I do wrong?

If I hadn't gotten Ernie involved, nothing would have come of this.

BUT I did get him involved. So I made both a verbal and a handwritten amend to him.

No! Ernie was, in no way sorry for his verbal explosion, and he never apologized to me.

BUT I saved our friendship and I felt that I "did the next right thing".

By The Way! 

In 2002 my friend from Georgia, entered, participated in the Iditarod, and finished the race. The only human being from the State of Georgia to accomplish this remarkable feat of finishing an Iditarod Sled Dog Race. 

MAY 29, 23 .. AMENDS

I know, it is not September nor is it October. I know, it is not the 9th month nor the 10h month when we traditionally talk about the 9th and the 10th Steps regarding the Amends process. 

But here we go, in May, discussing Amends.

There are several important things about making Amends.

First..

The Doctor's Opinion, page xxviii of the Big Book, states:

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol."

I will translate this: We drink because we want to change how we feel!

The point of the 12 Steps of Recovery is so that we feel better about ourselves and don't want to, nor need to, drink to change how we feel.

Got it? Our mission is to feel good within and about ourselves.

Second..

We make Amends for ourselves. We make Amends to clear up our wreckage of the past (9th Step) or our wreckage of the present (10th Step).

We make Amends so we, not the recipient, feels better. Yes we want, and hope, our recipient also feels better but we're in this for ourselves. So we feel good. At ease. At peace with others and with the world.

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What IF we have not harmed someone else? What if our issue about another person is 100% within our own brain. What if the recipient of our angst will never, ever, know what we are, or were, thinking of them? 

Today's Big Question : Do we owe that person an Amend for thinking bad thoughts about them?

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No we don't and Yes we very well may want to make an Amend.

No we don't! If you have, in no way insulted, harmed, or done wrong to another person why on earth would you say: "I want to make an Amend to you because I had bad thoughts about you!"

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Yes we do! But not in the traditional sense of the word. We're not going to make Amends to our friend per se.

One of my very best, and one of my closest friends, "Wronged me", or "So I thought!"

So I did a little ranting, and I did a little raving, both in my head as well as to my wife. 

And then I suddenly discovered that my friend had not done what I was (in my mind) accusing them of. They were 100% innocent and I was 100% guilty.

What is our mission here? Our mission is to feel good within and about ourselves.

So verbally, and with a few written notes, I explained to my wife how I had (in my own mind) wronged my friend. 

What did I really do? I made an Amend to the Universe!

And. 

Mission Accomplished : I really, and I truly, felt much, MUCH, better about myself.

Hang in there friends. We have progress not perfection!

SEP 25, 22 .. THE NINTH MONTH .. THE NINTH STEP

 When it comes to having a spiritual experience, as a direct result of working one of the 12 steps, step 9 is really very special. 

And then voila, when we are halfway through step 9, here come the 9th Step Promises on pages 83 and 84 of the A.A. Big Book!!

I want to share about the spiritual experience that I recognize I experienced (get this!!) when I DID NOT MAKE AN AMEND!

Appendix II at the back of the A.A. Big Book simply says in part that a spriritual experience is a change in our relation to life itself and such a change could hardly have been brought about by ourselves.

When we make an amend we are (on the spot) doing something different (which is itself a change) in that we are recognizing that for us to get better we must change by making amends. Our making 9th Step amends is exactly that, a real change when we go back to people we may have harmed and expressing our willingness to do what we can to make things right with that person or organization.

Now I will give you all a personal example of a spiritual awakening or experience involving (and this is important) another member of the A.A. fellowship.

I love Doctor Bob's words in the book Doctor Bob and the Good Oldtimers : IF you love everybody in A.A. you haven't been going to enough meetings!

Following a share I made in a meeting, after the meeting one of the (call it) 'unloveable ones' came up to me and began to 'bait me' with some sarcastic words about my share. I was about to get into a nasty verbal argument with this fellow member of the A.A. Fellowship. Suddenly (as in instantly I paused) and I realized that IF I said what I was thinking of saying then I would owe that member an amend and worse he who would also know I owed him an amend.

So? I kept my mouth shut and said nothing so I wouldn't have to make an amend.

Wow! What a change.

The best amend for me was the one I did not have to make!

And there you have it! Me not attacking him was a change in me and as such a good example of a spritual awakening due to working the steps.

God Bless You and Best Wishes on your Spiritual Journey.

JAN 28, 21 .. MAKING AN AMEND

Here in A.A., it is so important to actually do-the-deal, walk-the-walk and not just talk-the-talk when it comes to following our Design for Living.

When it comes to amends, we have two steps to turn to, Steps 9 and 10. In my opinion, the Step 9 amends are done in response to our work in Step 4.

When it comes to living our lives, one day at a time, when we get into a (call it) challenging situation and feel we need to get some relief or respite from something that we have done, then Step 10 comes into play, at least for me.

One of the key principles is simply this : In general, we make amends to help ourselves to clean away the wreckage that we have created. 

Often this does NOT mean we did anything wrong. We can be 100% clear of conscience in that we have done absolutely nothing wrong or mean in spirit, yet we feel in our own heart that we need to make an amend if only to clear-the-air.

Below is an Amend Card that I have made and one that I use.

THE STORY BEHIND THIS AMEND.

Here is what happened. Recently, following the conclusion of a very small zoom online meeting that I attend (small : 5 to 7 men) I asked the other members if we could take a group conscience to discuss our meeting.

So far so good. We have not had a group conscience meeting in forever (years) and, with zoom changing things, I thought it would be a good idea to bat-around some ideas.

For one thing, I suggested that, as part of our meeting format, we allow the meeting leader to, at his discretion, read Big Book passages other than How It Works. As one example, I suggested that reading the first part of Chaper 3, More About Alcoholism, be an option.

At this suggestion, a fellow member exploded. In his passionate rant, he said that he personally and absolutely hated changes in life. In short, he was very upset and went on to verbally attack me personally.

After the meeting, in private, I spoke with each one of the other 5 members about what had happened. Each one said that in my calling a group conscience meeting and leading the discussion I had done nothing wrong and that there was no way that I had to make an amend. Several were furious themselves at his conduct.

And? 

I made an amend, not for him, but for me because I wanted to get the matter out of my head and felt that an amend was the best way to do so.

Below is my amend to him :

I then mailed the amend to him.

The following Tuesday he called me and profusely apologized for his conduct stating that it was him that owed me an amend. 

THE REST OF THE STORY

This man is someone that I go back several decades with in the program and one I consider a close personal associate. I was not willing to wait and see what would happen. Instead I took the reins and am very happy to have done so.

The bottom line remains that my action caused him to be very upset and I was truly sorry not for what I had done, but because I upset him.

SEP 23, 18 .. STEP NINE

September (the 9th month) has arrived and it is time for a few words about Step 9.

Step 9 : Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

The 9th step discussion in the Big Book begins on page 76.

SPIRITUAL AWAKENING / EXPERIENCE

Below is an example of a Spiritual Experience.

As a direct result of working the 9th step, I had the following spiritual experience.

IF (and this is debatable) I have anything original to contribute to Step 9 it is this :

IF you have gone through the Amends process of Step 9, there is a good chance that some of your amends have been uncomfortable. 

Speaking for myself, I feel that as human beings, most of us do not like to do things that are uncomfortable. 

And what on this good earth does this have to do with Step 9?

To quote Doctor Bob, "If you love everyone in A.A. you have not been going to enough meetings!"

And the day came when I was facing one of the unlovable-ones and I wanted to 'let-him-have-it' with both barrels. I wanted to 'sock-it-to-him'.

Then the thought came to me :

"If I say, and If I do, what I want to say and to do, then (at least if I am honest with myself and if I want to work a complete program) I will have to make an Amend to him. This (make an Amend) I do not want to do to this sorry-s.o.b. So I will just shut my mouth, say nothing, and walk away a free-man."

And I did just that.

The above actual experience is an example of a Spiritual Experience.

Instead of telling this man off, I kept my mouth shut so I would not have to make an amend to him. This is a change in my behavior and Appendix II of The Big Book talks about this change in ourselves being a spiritual experience.

What a learning experience actually living these steps is for us.

Doctor Bob's last words to Bill Wilson were : "Remember Bill, let's not louse this thing up. Let's keep it simple."

I wonder if everyone knows that, on the very day of his last drink, Doctor Bob made the rounds of Akron, Ohio, and made his Amends to those people he felt he needed to come-clean with.

In June of 1935 there was no Big Book. There were no steps. There were only two Alcoholics working with each other trying to stay sober.

I personally don't recommend that anyone do this (go out on their first day sober and make Amends) but the process certainly can proceed a tad quicker than many people make it.

I have one friend that basically did just this. To his regret, some 15-years later, he and his wife still have serious and severe issues with what he said to her about his conduct while an active alcoholic.

Step 9 : Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

In his hasty process, my friend certainly injured his wife.

Bottom Line : Have a Sponsor. Work closely with your Sponsor.

Good luck. Enjoy the promises that come with the 9th Step (pages 83 and 84 in the Big Book).

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. It means halfway through the 9th step.