In case you haven't seen one, below is a photo of a reprint of the First Edition of the A.A. Big Book. I don't know if these First Edition reprints are still available.
Relationships in the rooms of A.A. are certainly not uncommon.
A nice way to state this is : Boy meets Girl on the A.A. campus.
Then we have a very, at least in my opinion, crude or actually rude description for people who use A.A. meetings to meet and have a relationship with other members. This is often referred to as 13th Stepping.
My wife and I have been together for 29 years. We met in the rooms of A.A.
Unfortunately, we are the rare exception.
In all of our lives, most human beings have only a few relationships that have worked out for (pick a number) twenty (20) or more years.
The risk : Relationships that have gone bad often entail hostility between the couple! And there is the first risk. Perhaps the number one reason for relapse and a return to alcoholic drinking is stopping attending meetings. You are angry at him. You are angry at her. You don't want to see him or her at a meeting so you cut back and maybe stop going to meetings.
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Frank C, a good friend of mine, recently shared his below thoughts about Relationships in A.A. with me.
The term 13th Step requires lascivious intent. That is a person, manner, or gesture, feeling or revealing an overt and often offensive sexual desire and selfish intent. If a person selfishly attempts to seduce another it is a 13th Step, particularly if one presents himself or herself as someone who can guide the victim to better sobriety. If an A.A. person meets another A.A. person, and both treat the other as an equal, and the chemistry is right, I think it is not a 13th Step for them to begin a relationship.
I think it is natural for every human being to examine every other human being as a candidate for being a mate (not just a sex partner, but a person with whom one could happily spend one's life and be enriched by it). Even married people with no interest in others do a cursory, academic evaluation of the others they meet. It is natural and right for single people to sometimes find potential soulmates. If a person spends a lot of time in A.A. meetings, there is an excellent chance that he or she will meet someone with whom an attraction develops.
Frank went on to share: I made a personal condition of not dating people in the program because I wouldn't want to inhibit the other person's comfort in sharing. After a failed, 24 year, second marriage in sobriety with a non-A.A., I am re-thinking whether that philosophy is proper. I'm wondering if perhaps I should be looking within the rooms for a life mate. I am much happier and more fulfilled when I am sharing my life with one very special person. One thing I know, it hasn't worked out to share my life with a drinker.
Yes, sex is fun, BUT it is not the factor on which I want to establish a relationship. Intellectual stimulation, a shared commitment to honest caring for each other, and comfortable sleeping are much more important to me. All this is presently academic because I have no candidates in mind, and in any case I wouldn't change my approach to meetings to actively look for a partner.
And, Frank continued: I am recognizing that my best chance of having a pure, honest relationship with a woman is probably going to be with someone who is in the program too, and living an honest life with herself. I don't think time in the program would be nearly as important as honesty with self and enthusiasm in sobriety.
I once saw on the side of a wall in Chico, California an art sign that read, "The meeting of two people is like the meeting of 2 elements: if there is any reaction at all, both are transformed."
Thank you Frank so very much for sharing your experience concerning Relationships in A.A. with us.